When counting my blessing I have to be thankful for a 10 plus year relationship(?) I don't know what else to call it but in reality, a relationship takes both parties being invested, and this was clearly not the case. I was in such denial I could not and would not allow myself to see that I was being used, and abused mentally and
Emotionally abused. Played with then thrown away like so much trash. Then repeat.
FINALLY, I woke up and decided that talk was cheap and the words from that particular person didn't mean squat! Someone that really and truly loves you will NOT
Willingly abuse and hurt you.
I hate the years of my life I wasted and all the time I invested on someone so unworthy. I am thankful for the experience because now I know the difference. I know
What it is to be loved,wanted,needed and cherished by a real man. I thank God for unanswered prayers and for one special man whose love and devotion has healed my heart and made my life wonderful!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
COVERING UP THE STUPID AND UGLY
Happy....Happy.....Happy....! So excited and over the moon about my new tatt! Took a long time to design and choose something to cover up a huge mistake !
The new one is honest and real and reflects my new life that is honest and real.
It covers something born out of a naive woman kept constantly off balance and ill at ease, waiting for the shoe to drop. The new tatt covers that STUPID AND UGLY mistake. Covers it totally! It is a reminder that I AM worthy of love and that I have nothing to prove to any f'ing man! A man that is worthy of my heart will not breakand abuse it! I can't stop looking at it! Love it! Love u, P!
The new one is honest and real and reflects my new life that is honest and real.
It covers something born out of a naive woman kept constantly off balance and ill at ease, waiting for the shoe to drop. The new tatt covers that STUPID AND UGLY mistake. Covers it totally! It is a reminder that I AM worthy of love and that I have nothing to prove to any f'ing man! A man that is worthy of my heart will not breakand abuse it! I can't stop looking at it! Love it! Love u, P!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
HOMEGROWN
Recipe just threw together ingredients that I like. The fresh squeezed lime juice made all the differerence.Phillip said it is the very best salsa ever!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Loving Me,Loving My Life
Haven't posted here in a while. What can I tell you all....hummmm..Oh yeah...at the top of the list is that on Ma of this
y 22 of this year I celebrated ONE YEAR SMOKE FREE! I am now 14 months smoke
Free and counting! Can I get a high 5! Can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke now.
I feel better....breathe better and smell better!
I am walking and lifting weights. Getting in shape! Will be heading into the studio soon
To record some of my original songs and I am super excited about that!
A trip to the beach for my birthday has me excited.....make that VERY.....!
Last year I conquered several dishes that I had always wanted to try but was afraid to
Attempt.....HOT n SOUR SOUP, EGG ROLLS and TAMALES....all made here with my very own hands!
You can check out my cooking/food blog.for the pics and recipes.
Loving myself and loving my life!
y 22 of this year I celebrated ONE YEAR SMOKE FREE! I am now 14 months smoke
Free and counting! Can I get a high 5! Can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke now.
I feel better....breathe better and smell better!
I am walking and lifting weights. Getting in shape! Will be heading into the studio soon
To record some of my original songs and I am super excited about that!
A trip to the beach for my birthday has me excited.....make that VERY.....!
Last year I conquered several dishes that I had always wanted to try but was afraid to
Attempt.....HOT n SOUR SOUP, EGG ROLLS and TAMALES....all made here with my very own hands!
You can check out my cooking/food blog.for the pics and recipes.
Loving myself and loving my life!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
COVERING THE ROSE or TATTOO REGRET
Over 6 years ago I did something totally foolish. Something that had I stopped to consider the past and the very real possibility of it repeting itself, I would have never done.
This foolish thing was not done in haste or spur of the moment. I had put many hours of thought and soul searching into it before going ahead. I was first of all doing it for me, as a symbol of my dedication,love and belief in another person and what we shared, and also for those same reasons, doing it for them also. It was my gift and promise.
This foolish thing of which I write was a tattoo. Not a random tattoo from out of a book or off the wall but one I designed of initials. The other persons contribution to the design was a single rose bud. (The insane reality of this would come back and slap me in the face)
Once I became accustomed to the tattoo over my heart, it became a part of me. I loved looking at it. Many times at night while watching TV or trying to sleep, I would place my hand over it and remember all the times it was another persons hand there,gently tracing the design.
Those warm, fuzzy feeling about it persisted for about 2 1/2 years, then little by little, day by day, the joy,pride and love I felt about it dissolved. This gift that had meant so much to me, that had been more than just ink on my body was shit on,crumbled up and throw back in my face.
My small little tattoo, a gift I was so proud to give had no double meaning and was not interchangable with anyone else, was never presented as being to and for anyone else.
I couldn't and still can't stand to look at it and try to avoid doing so. Earlier in the year while being prepped for surgery, the attending nurse commmented on how unique and beautiful it was, going on to ask:
"Does it have a special meaning?"
Without pausing, I replied:
"No."
I have debated with myself about just leaving it alone to stand as a reminder for the future or to cover it, and if so, with what...?
I finally decided it did indeed need to be covered and with something that had meaning to me. That thing will be my favorite flower, the pansy.
Despite the name, the pansy is a strong and hardy flower. It grows, blooms and thrives when all other flowers are dead. If the weather gets really,really cold and severe, they always come back to live, grow and bloom again.
Roses come and roses go, but the pansy takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
This foolish thing was not done in haste or spur of the moment. I had put many hours of thought and soul searching into it before going ahead. I was first of all doing it for me, as a symbol of my dedication,love and belief in another person and what we shared, and also for those same reasons, doing it for them also. It was my gift and promise.
This foolish thing of which I write was a tattoo. Not a random tattoo from out of a book or off the wall but one I designed of initials. The other persons contribution to the design was a single rose bud. (The insane reality of this would come back and slap me in the face)
Once I became accustomed to the tattoo over my heart, it became a part of me. I loved looking at it. Many times at night while watching TV or trying to sleep, I would place my hand over it and remember all the times it was another persons hand there,gently tracing the design.
Those warm, fuzzy feeling about it persisted for about 2 1/2 years, then little by little, day by day, the joy,pride and love I felt about it dissolved. This gift that had meant so much to me, that had been more than just ink on my body was shit on,crumbled up and throw back in my face.
My small little tattoo, a gift I was so proud to give had no double meaning and was not interchangable with anyone else, was never presented as being to and for anyone else.
I couldn't and still can't stand to look at it and try to avoid doing so. Earlier in the year while being prepped for surgery, the attending nurse commmented on how unique and beautiful it was, going on to ask:
"Does it have a special meaning?"
Without pausing, I replied:
"No."
I have debated with myself about just leaving it alone to stand as a reminder for the future or to cover it, and if so, with what...?
I finally decided it did indeed need to be covered and with something that had meaning to me. That thing will be my favorite flower, the pansy.
Despite the name, the pansy is a strong and hardy flower. It grows, blooms and thrives when all other flowers are dead. If the weather gets really,really cold and severe, they always come back to live, grow and bloom again.
Roses come and roses go, but the pansy takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
Friday, October 28, 2011
ALABAMA'S IMMIGRATION LAW
I am SICK and TIRED about the big hoop de doo about the state of Alabama's tough new immigration law.
Sicker still of The Anniston Stars bleeding heart liberal H Brandt Ayers and his STUPID diatribes about this "hateful and mean spirited" law. SHUT UP YOU DAMN FOOL!
As a child my parents taught me about CHOICES and that CHOICES have CONSEQUENCES. Very simply that means, unless someone was kidnapped and dragged at gunpoint into this country AGAINST their will, they CHOSE to enter this country ILLEGALLY. They knew they were BREAKING the law and decided to do it anyway.
You are here illegally then you are breaking the law so there is no sense in protesting,marching and crying on TV about the awful state of Alabama and how they want to punish you. How about accepting some responsibility for your own ACTIONS and CHOICES!!!!!!!!!!!!
They say they are afraid someone will ask to see their papers or ID....Well guess the hell what.....that happens to Americans all the time, so if you don't want to show ID you better go somewhere else.
During my most recent surgery, I had to show my ID and prove who I was about 12 different times to 12 different people.
Rent a car.....hotel room....buy a car....register a car....get married...get divorced....apply for insurance....All those things and more you have to show ID....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This isn't something that has been cooked up by the powers that be to hurt your feelings!
I tell you what hurts my feelings.....people that come here ILLEGALLY, breaking the law and then making demands.
I don't have a thing in this world against people from other countries wanting to come here to the United States to make and have a better life for themselves and their children. This is a great country. My ancestors came here from Ireland,England,Scotland and France. Came here LEGALLY. So why should there be an exception for you....?
I wish all the people who SUPPORT this law would have their own marches and show support. There are more people for this than there are against it!
What I find "hateful and mean spirited" are the illegals here not paying taxes, working under the table all the while sucking up benefits that should go to those that came here respecting the laws of this country and doing things the right way.
In closing:
PRESS 1 FOR ENGLISH. PRESS 2 TO DISCONNECT THIS CALL UNTIL YOU LEARN ENGLISH.
Sicker still of The Anniston Stars bleeding heart liberal H Brandt Ayers and his STUPID diatribes about this "hateful and mean spirited" law. SHUT UP YOU DAMN FOOL!
As a child my parents taught me about CHOICES and that CHOICES have CONSEQUENCES. Very simply that means, unless someone was kidnapped and dragged at gunpoint into this country AGAINST their will, they CHOSE to enter this country ILLEGALLY. They knew they were BREAKING the law and decided to do it anyway.
You are here illegally then you are breaking the law so there is no sense in protesting,marching and crying on TV about the awful state of Alabama and how they want to punish you. How about accepting some responsibility for your own ACTIONS and CHOICES!!!!!!!!!!!!
They say they are afraid someone will ask to see their papers or ID....Well guess the hell what.....that happens to Americans all the time, so if you don't want to show ID you better go somewhere else.
During my most recent surgery, I had to show my ID and prove who I was about 12 different times to 12 different people.
Rent a car.....hotel room....buy a car....register a car....get married...get divorced....apply for insurance....All those things and more you have to show ID....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This isn't something that has been cooked up by the powers that be to hurt your feelings!
I tell you what hurts my feelings.....people that come here ILLEGALLY, breaking the law and then making demands.
I don't have a thing in this world against people from other countries wanting to come here to the United States to make and have a better life for themselves and their children. This is a great country. My ancestors came here from Ireland,England,Scotland and France. Came here LEGALLY. So why should there be an exception for you....?
I wish all the people who SUPPORT this law would have their own marches and show support. There are more people for this than there are against it!
What I find "hateful and mean spirited" are the illegals here not paying taxes, working under the table all the while sucking up benefits that should go to those that came here respecting the laws of this country and doing things the right way.
In closing:
PRESS 1 FOR ENGLISH. PRESS 2 TO DISCONNECT THIS CALL UNTIL YOU LEARN ENGLISH.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
WHAT IT IS and WHAT IT AIN'T
I don't see the world in black and white. I try to see all the colors of the rainbow but the truth is for most of my life I've looked at the world through rose colored,hopeless romantic,real love can conquer and overcome anything eyes that dream dreams and look beyond what is into what could be.
So, as Dr Phil would say, "How is that workin' for ya?"
Not so good.
Having dreams and working to make them become reality is good. Living inside those dreams as if they are or will one day be reality isn't good or healthy. I've walked a tightrope between dreams and reality for more years than I care to count and I have rope burn along with the bumps and scars from all those years of free falling from those dreams down into the abyss of my reality.
There are things I wish someone would have told me long ago. Not that I would have listened. I might have heard the words but they always missed their mark. Some things a person just has to see and learn on their own.
I've wasted years.....YEARS of my life that I will never get back loving someone who didn't love me. Trying to make a place and insert myself into a life and heart where there was no room for me.
I overlooked things I shouldn't have.
Forgave more than I should.
Believed so deeply in something that wasn't real.
Gave second,third,fourth,one hundred ten, second chances.
Told myself it was alright "for now" to be the spare tire in the trunk of someones life, because, "one day".....
Well, ya know what....? "One day", might never get here and this day, this minute and this second are the only ones that count.
Always on the edge of "one day" and on the verge of almost being loved.
I couldn't face, acknowledge or accept the truth, even when it was right in front of me.
Walking that tightrope between words and actions.
I can write about these things now without anger or beating myself up for being such a damn fool.
All those questions I asked myself for all those years when all the frickin' time it was so very simple. I could have spared myself so much pain, hurt and anguish. But, I couldn't allow myself to see those things because I didn't want to lose him or what I imagined we had.
The truth unfolded and revealed itself slowly.
I didn't have him, I only had the illusion of him. As soon as I was out of sight, I was out of his life and mind. And the moments and things I held so dear that we had shared vanished before I was in his rear view mirror.
Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, I held my breath, always wondering and waiting for the other shoe to drop. To be forgotten, tossed aside and thrown away. Again. Trying to live in the moment yet at the same time trying not to get too caught up in it, always mindful it could disappear without warning.
When you consider and accept that people take and make time for those things and people that are important and mean something to them, then the fact that weeks, months and years could pass without so much as a word or explaination, then you can finally see and accept your place of importance in the life of another.
Anyone who ignores or disrespects you is showing how they feel.
I threw away my rose colored glasses and burned all those dreams. I finally realized that I don't want to be loved, wanted or needed every now and then or when there is nothing else going on or nobody else available and that I can't give my heart,mind,body and soul to someone who treats me like a spare tire, so this chick is out of the trunk.
So, as Dr Phil would say, "How is that workin' for ya?"
Not so good.
Having dreams and working to make them become reality is good. Living inside those dreams as if they are or will one day be reality isn't good or healthy. I've walked a tightrope between dreams and reality for more years than I care to count and I have rope burn along with the bumps and scars from all those years of free falling from those dreams down into the abyss of my reality.
There are things I wish someone would have told me long ago. Not that I would have listened. I might have heard the words but they always missed their mark. Some things a person just has to see and learn on their own.
I've wasted years.....YEARS of my life that I will never get back loving someone who didn't love me. Trying to make a place and insert myself into a life and heart where there was no room for me.
I overlooked things I shouldn't have.
Forgave more than I should.
Believed so deeply in something that wasn't real.
Gave second,third,fourth,one hundred ten, second chances.
Told myself it was alright "for now" to be the spare tire in the trunk of someones life, because, "one day".....
Well, ya know what....? "One day", might never get here and this day, this minute and this second are the only ones that count.
Always on the edge of "one day" and on the verge of almost being loved.
I couldn't face, acknowledge or accept the truth, even when it was right in front of me.
Walking that tightrope between words and actions.
I can write about these things now without anger or beating myself up for being such a damn fool.
All those questions I asked myself for all those years when all the frickin' time it was so very simple. I could have spared myself so much pain, hurt and anguish. But, I couldn't allow myself to see those things because I didn't want to lose him or what I imagined we had.
The truth unfolded and revealed itself slowly.
I didn't have him, I only had the illusion of him. As soon as I was out of sight, I was out of his life and mind. And the moments and things I held so dear that we had shared vanished before I was in his rear view mirror.
Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, I held my breath, always wondering and waiting for the other shoe to drop. To be forgotten, tossed aside and thrown away. Again. Trying to live in the moment yet at the same time trying not to get too caught up in it, always mindful it could disappear without warning.
When you consider and accept that people take and make time for those things and people that are important and mean something to them, then the fact that weeks, months and years could pass without so much as a word or explaination, then you can finally see and accept your place of importance in the life of another.
Anyone who ignores or disrespects you is showing how they feel.
I threw away my rose colored glasses and burned all those dreams. I finally realized that I don't want to be loved, wanted or needed every now and then or when there is nothing else going on or nobody else available and that I can't give my heart,mind,body and soul to someone who treats me like a spare tire, so this chick is out of the trunk.
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