WHAT IT IS and WHAT IT AIN'T

I don't see the world in black and white. I try to see all the colors of the rainbow but the truth is for most of my life I've looked at the world through rose colored,hopeless romantic,real love can conquer and overcome anything eyes that dream dreams and look beyond what is into what could be.

So, as Dr Phil would say, "How is that workin' for ya?"

Not so good.

Having dreams and working to make them become reality is good. Living inside those dreams as if they are or will one day be reality isn't good or healthy. I've walked a tightrope between dreams and reality for more years than I care to count and I have rope burn along with the bumps and scars from all those years of free falling from those dreams down into the abyss of my reality.

There are things I wish someone would have told me long ago. Not that I would have listened. I might have heard the words but they always missed their mark. Some things a person just has to see and learn on their own.

I've wasted years.....YEARS of my life that I will never get back loving someone who didn't love me. Trying to make a place and insert myself into a life and heart where there was no room for me.

I overlooked things I shouldn't have.
Forgave more than I should.
Believed so deeply in something that wasn't real.
Gave second,third,fourth,one hundred ten, second chances.
Told myself it was alright "for now" to be the spare tire in the trunk of someones life, because, "one day".....

Well, ya know what....? "One day", might never get here and this day, this minute and this second are the only ones that count.

Always on the edge of "one day" and on the verge of almost being loved.

I couldn't face, acknowledge or accept the truth, even when it was right in front of me.

Walking that tightrope between words and actions.

I can write about these things now without anger or beating myself up for being such a damn fool.

All those questions I asked myself for all those years when all the frickin' time it was so very simple. I could have spared myself so much pain, hurt and anguish. But, I couldn't allow myself to see those things because I didn't want to lose him or what I imagined we had.

The truth unfolded and revealed itself slowly.

I didn't have him, I only had the illusion of him. As soon as I was out of sight, I was out of his life and mind. And the moments and things I held so dear that we had shared vanished before I was in his rear view mirror.

Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, I held my breath, always wondering and waiting for the other shoe to drop. To be forgotten, tossed aside and thrown away. Again. Trying to live in the moment yet at the same time trying not to get too caught up in it, always mindful it could disappear without warning.

When you consider and accept that people take and make time for those things and people that are important and mean something to them, then the fact that weeks, months and years could pass without so much as a word or explaination, then you can finally see and accept your place of importance in the life of another.

Anyone who ignores or disrespects you is showing how they feel.

I threw away my rose colored glasses and burned all those dreams. I finally realized that I don't want to be loved, wanted or needed every now and then or when there is nothing else going on or nobody else available and that I can't give my heart,mind,body and soul to someone who treats me like a spare tire, so this chick is out of the trunk.

CHASING DREAMS

Some years back, I made a U-turn in my life that lead to exactly nowhere. There I remained stuck inside some kind of twisted day dream or fantasy left over from childhood fairy tales.

I've since learned that life isn't a fairy tale and, "...they lived happily ever after", isn't the rule but the exception.

I refused to see things as they really were and instead chose to see them through my rose colored glasses and painted everything with unicorns and rainbows. I couldn't admit the truth to myself, nor could I acknowledge it because to do so would require taking off my rose colored glasses and seeing reality. I wasn't ready for reality. Not then. I am now.

It took a long time. A very,very long time and the glasses didn't come off all at once but painfully slow over time allowing me to see tiny bits of truth until at last the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth was revealed live and in color right before my eyes.

The first step was seeing the truth.
Second step acknowledging the truth.
Third step accepting the truth.

If I could only go back and recapture all the time I spent chasing something that wasn't real and only existed to me.

I wrote the story line I wanted and edited the actions of others to fit what I felt and wanted. A never ending battle was going on in my mind pushing the truth from my mind.


It took watching another person chasing their dream and trying to hold onto it reguardless of the cost to their life,happiness, peace of mind,pride and self esteem that was my wake up call. As if someone held up a mirror, watching it from the side lines, I could not ignore the truth of my own life.

I guess the greatest lesson I've learned since I left the safety of my Daddy's home is this: Don't believe the words, believe the actions. Ideally, words and actions will line up and agree with one another but when they don't, remember that mouths will lie but actions never do.

Don't waste your time chasing rainbows. Make your own!

THE FACEBOOK POLICE

Living where I live, my parents doing what they did for a living and being who they were, I've pretty much lived in a bubble and under a microscope all of my life. There was nothing I could do and no where I could go within a 6 county radius of my home where there wasn't someone who could report back to Daddy where I was, what I was doing....etc. Not that I was doing anything bad, just normal teenage stuff, still you begin to feel that nothing you do is private...even down to a Father's Day gift I bought one year!

I thought that once I was married and had children of my own, the need for people to tattle and inform would disappear. It didn't and only added more people to tattle to. Again, not that I was doing anythng bad. For instance, one year I bumped into an old friend in town. I was having a terrible day. Never able to pull anything over on him and before I knew it was spilling my guts about a miserable marriage that was sucking the life out of me. He put his arms around me to comfort me. Geez...even here I feel the need to defend myself and point out, we had grown up and attended the same church together, he was like a brother to me, had never been anything even close to romantic about our relationship.

Well low and behold the next day the news made it to my oldest child and when the news gets back to me.....I am having an affair.

Seems like in this small southern state a male and female can't be friends.

It only got worse when I began working. In no time I had gone from cashier to assistant manager to store manager. When your district manager comes to your store for an all day visit and wants to go to lunch.....YOU GO TO LUNCH. Oh...that went over like a turd in a punchbowl!

Beyond all of that with children grown now we have Facebook and along with Facebook comes the Facebook Police.

These are the people on your friends list that prowl and snoop though your Facebook page. They look at everything you post and comment. They look at your friends. They judge each and every thing you do.

I have a lot of friends on Facebook. People I am related to, people I went to school with, used to work with, went to church with and people I met on another blog site that have became friends.

I have been told by one of the Facebook Police that a few of my friends look like "perverts" and "stoners". I even received a message last week from an old school friend who wanted to question my judgement about having gay and lesbian friends!

I don't mind telling you, that burnt my cookies to a crisp! How the hell dare you!!!!

Why is it mine or any other persons business who another person loves or sleeps with.....????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told her straight up that as far back as high school I had gay and lesbian friends. You know what....I've never had any problems with my gay and lesbian friends. They accept me just as I accept them.

I deleted her and blocked her ass!

Why can't people just LIVE AND LET LIVE!

HAIRY TOES or THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO....YUCK...!

It continues to amaze me the way people dress to go out in public.

A grown woman and I'm talking if not 50 then knocking on the door of it, in Hello Kitty pj's and houseshoes shopping away in Wal-Mart. Come on now. How in thunder do you stand in front of the mirror dressed like that and tell yourself, "Oh yeah, I'm ready to go!"

Believe it or not, that isn't the worst.

While enjoying a nice dinner at one of my favorite Mexican places, seated at the table to my left, even though it was quite chilly here on Sunday, a man with the ugliest feet this side of glory.

The toenails were big,thick and yellow. At least they matched the thick callouses on his heels.

The big toe was so flippin' big it looked like it was trying to escape from his foot. The thing looked like a corndog as it dangled off the end of his sandals. Not one single hair on his head, and please understand I don't have a problem with bald men (THE ROCK to name but one) but the hair on his toes more than made up for the lack of hair on his head.

Not just a few sprigs of hair here and there, I'm talking dark, black hair all over his toes.

I understand people want to be comfortable, but geezzzz!

If you have more hair on your toes than on your head, do us all a favor and cover up them piggies.

PERFECT STORM

Last year all the elements in my upside down life lined up to create the perfect mental and emotional storm. A storm that blew the blinders off my eyes and sucked my head out of the sand.

Painful, very painful at first to acknowledge that I had only been lying to myself and giving someone else one free pass after another to lie to me also.

Very hard and painful giving up a dream that you have held so close to your heart, have fought so hard to protect and nurture.

You know what else is painful....?

Giving love but never receiving it in return. Or if you do it is rationed out in small bits as if there is none to spare.

Giving time and energy. Working to keep the lines of communication up and open, even if it means doing all the communicating yourself....

Never too busy to talk or write....and never having that returned.


Busy....forgot....didn't have time....etc...Once in a while....okay. I can roll with that. But ALL the time.....? Houston we have a problem.

So, I worked, wrote and cried myself, alone through the perfect mental and emotional storm.

And then.....

When I stopped communicating.....There was little to no communication.

LIGHT BULB MOMENT....!!!!

And then....I discovered......

How wonderful it is to love yourself and say, "Hell no. I'm not taking any more shit"

How wonderful it is to allow yourself to be and receive love.

How wonderful it is to throw down those defenses and allow someone to be strong for and there for me.

How wonderful....truly wonderful it is to matter to someone.....to have that freedom to pick up the phone at any time, without restrictions and know you will hear a voice that is glad you called.

How wonderful to NEVER hear how busy someone has been which translates into, "You weren't important enough to make the time or effort".

Sorry guys, but, "busy" doesn't cut the mustard. Perhaps it did before cell phones, email,text messages and Instant messages, but these days....nope....that dog won't hunt.

My new motto is, If I don't see it for myself....it don't mean diddly squat. You can tell someone all day long how much you love and miss them, but unless you show it....it doesn't mean one gosh darn thing. Just more empty words that have no meaning.

In closing....

When people show you who they REALLY are.....BELIEVE THEM.

and.....

When they show you how little you mean to them.....You better believe that too and run like hell and like the song by Carrie Underwood....."UNDO IT"

THE SHAME OF OXFORD ALABAMA

The mouth of the south has a name and it is Leon Smith. If we were children on a playground, taunts of, “Liar,liar, pants on fire” would be aimed directly at him.



In question and still in the news is an ancient Native American Indian mound. Evidence abounds that this area was once a rich, proud and thriving Indian village.

Despite what Leon (Tweedle Dee) told the Anniston Star last year that the mound would be left alone and not used for commercial development. He contradicted himself in an article that appeared on the New York Times web site on March 12,2010. Reckon he thinks us hillbillies in Bammy don’t read and would be too dumb to notice a Sizzler where an ancient Indian mound once stood.

He stated his plans to demolish the stone pile and to erect a hotel, restaurant or maybe a health clinic.

“It’s going to be real pretty”, he was quoted as saying.

This all began when the city of Oxford and the merry band of morons who run it, decided to use the dirt under the mound as fill dirt for a Sam’s Club that was to be built at the nearby Oxford Exchange.




The city commissioned a study of the mound in question that was conducted by Robert Clouse, an archaeologist at the University of Alabama.

In the first report he concluded the mound was man made. The second report by Clouse after the you know what began hitting the old fan states in his opinion it was the result of “natural forces” and isn’t culturally significant. An opinion that experts around Alabama and the Alabama Historical Commission disagree with.

Earlier this year, Harry Holstein a professor of archaeology at Jacksonville State University reported that an earthen mound located across the street from the mound was gone. A face that Smith passed off by saying it was not gone and was still there if you knew where to look. Okay, take me there and SHOW ME.

In the days following these reports, another little tid bit came to light. On January 8,2010 ancient human remains were discovered at the multi million dollar sports complex site. It was NOT reported to the proper authorities.

Meanwhile, as of now, construction has been halted by the Corps of Engineers. They stopped the project in late February because it was not notified about the discovery.

Now, with every day that passes as construction equipment remains idle, the city is losing $12,000 dollars a day. (Boo frickin hoo)

The Anniston Star reported that to date the city has spent more than 5.9 million dollars on the project and purchase of land.

According also to a report in the Anniston Star, Holstein said:

“We told them there were 24 archaeological sites on that parcel of land, including a temple mound and village areas. The Historical Commission signed off on it.”

This is an issue that should concern not just residents of Oxford or Alabama, or just Native Americans. This should concern and anger decent people everywhere. The total and complete lack of respect shown to the remains of a human being, a proud people and culture are being spit on by Leon Smith and his merry band of thugs.

I even had a exchange in a chat room with someone in Oxford on the issue who stated she was tired of hearing about it, wanted it all to go away and they should, “…tear down the whole thing and build whatever they want….”

Her reasoning was, “This land doesn’t belong to them Indians. It is ours and we can do with it what we please and if they don’t like it, then go home.”

That mad me so mad! Guess what lady (?)…THEY ARE HOME.

Just as this issue was coming to light last year, PBS had a wonderful 5 part series I think it was on the American Indians and the first Europeans to arrive here. It was chilling and eye opening.

The history books I studied while in school made it all seem so nice and polite. The Indians lived here, we arrived, they helped us, we helped them, we traded, we bought their land, they moved. Oh sure there were a few fights and wars, but……

The history books didn’t talk about the treaties that were broken or the way they were treated in their own county.

Leon Smith has been the mayor of Oxford for over 20 years. No doubt in that time he has done much for the city, moved it forward and put it on the map as the place to be, live and go in Calhoun County. They call him, “King Leon”. Seems like now he is starting to believe it.

There are several videos on Youtube dedicated to this topic.


CITY OF OXFORD:

145 HAMRIC DRIVE EAST
PO BOX 3382
OXFORD,ALABAMA 36203

VISIT THE CITY OF OXFORD PAGE ON THE WEB. THERE IS FORM ON THE CONTACT PAGE WHERE YOU CAN SEND AN EMAIL.

THE POWER OF PINE SOL

Last year life mentally,emotionally and physically,kicked my ass. Six deaths in the family, 3 happening all within the same month,medical problems,family problems,relationship problems...seemed like I was living under a black cloud. Reminded me of a lyric in an old Eagles tune:

"Every morning, I wake up and wonder, what's gonna happen today"

Life was slipping away from me and I finally reached the point where I didn't care. Let it slip right away, I thought to myself.

Now, with my medical issues seemingly somewhat under control, not living in almost constant pain, I am beginning to see some of the things that I let slip away from me.

Among them, my house.

I know it may sound crazy, but cleaning was something I had always enjoyed. I took great pride in my surroundings. It gave me a great sense of accomplishment at the end of the day to look around and see the neat, tidy and sparkling clean fruits of my labor.

Growing up, cleaning the house didn't just fall to my Mother, it was a family event. Especially on Saturday's. I can still hear music from the stereo playing through the entire house with the scent of Pine Sol and Pledge filling the air. Those are pleasant memories.

Over the years I had refined my house cleaning routine down to a perfect system. Chores were broken down into daily, weekly and monthly tasks. Even while I was raising children and living in a marriage made in hell, the house at least was something I could control. Predictable things are easy to control. You know the furniture will need to be polished, so you polish it.

With a rare Monday with the house all to myself, I focused on some of the small things I had ignored over the years. Things that other people wouldn't and don't notice. I mean, how many people step up on a chair to look on top of your fridge to see if it is clean or not? Not many, but just knowing they could, gives me some warped kind of joy.

After 2 weeks of being in a deep cycle of insomnia, I was able to crawl into bed last night and sleep for over 7 hours without waking up once.

Maybe it was the scent of Pine Sol that still lingered in the kitchen and master bath that came and reminded me of sweeter days when I felt safe and loved.