Thursday, September 8, 2011


I don't see the world in black and white. I try to see all the colors of the rainbow but the truth is for most of my life I've looked at the world through rose colored,hopeless romantic,real love can conquer and overcome anything eyes that dream dreams and look beyond what is into what could be.

So, as Dr Phil would say, "How is that workin' for ya?"

Not so good.

Having dreams and working to make them become reality is good. Living inside those dreams as if they are or will one day be reality isn't good or healthy. I've walked a tightrope between dreams and reality for more years than I care to count and I have rope burn along with the bumps and scars from all those years of free falling from those dreams down into the abyss of my reality.

There are things I wish someone would have told me long ago. Not that I would have listened. I might have heard the words but they always missed their mark. Some things a person just has to see and learn on their own.

I've wasted years.....YEARS of my life that I will never get back loving someone who didn't love me. Trying to make a place and insert myself into a life and heart where there was no room for me.

I overlooked things I shouldn't have.
Forgave more than I should.
Believed so deeply in something that wasn't real.
Gave second,third,fourth,one hundred ten, second chances.
Told myself it was alright "for now" to be the spare tire in the trunk of someones life, because, "one day".....

Well, ya know what....? "One day", might never get here and this day, this minute and this second are the only ones that count.

Always on the edge of "one day" and on the verge of almost being loved.

I couldn't face, acknowledge or accept the truth, even when it was right in front of me.

Walking that tightrope between words and actions.

I can write about these things now without anger or beating myself up for being such a damn fool.

All those questions I asked myself for all those years when all the frickin' time it was so very simple. I could have spared myself so much pain, hurt and anguish. But, I couldn't allow myself to see those things because I didn't want to lose him or what I imagined we had.

The truth unfolded and revealed itself slowly.

I didn't have him, I only had the illusion of him. As soon as I was out of sight, I was out of his life and mind. And the moments and things I held so dear that we had shared vanished before I was in his rear view mirror.

Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, I held my breath, always wondering and waiting for the other shoe to drop. To be forgotten, tossed aside and thrown away. Again. Trying to live in the moment yet at the same time trying not to get too caught up in it, always mindful it could disappear without warning.

When you consider and accept that people take and make time for those things and people that are important and mean something to them, then the fact that weeks, months and years could pass without so much as a word or explaination, then you can finally see and accept your place of importance in the life of another.

Anyone who ignores or disrespects you is showing how they feel.

I threw away my rose colored glasses and burned all those dreams. I finally realized that I don't want to be loved, wanted or needed every now and then or when there is nothing else going on or nobody else available and that I can't give my heart,mind,body and soul to someone who treats me like a spare tire, so this chick is out of the trunk.